When tensions arise in your home, church, work contexts, is the tendency to embrace or evade honest talk? Have you tried reconciling with someone, only to be left disappointed? Have you been serving among the Chinese but feel heartbroken about relationships that appear mended yet remain distant and broken? Are you, at present, yearning for a breakthrough?
In Changing Normal, Dr. Jolene Kinser is like an empathetic friend who knows the lonely, helpless pain of unresolved conflict. Experiences described in the book attest to the authenticity of the decades that the author spent in life, ministry, and fellowship in Chinese contexts. Dr. Kinser is also like an uncompromising coach. Across 11 easy-to-read chapters, we are led, by example, to dust off the pieces of our own broken relationships, discover root issues, hear testimonies of breakthrough, and take practical steps beyond superficial harmony. Even readers who have no relational challenges are invited to become better conflict companions for those in need.
The heart of the authoris clear to see. Convinced of God’s steadfast love for the Chinese church, and convicted by Jesus’s high priestly prayer for unity (John 17), the author paves a path of hope for both individuals and communities to move from a culturally shaped lifestyle of face-saving into a countercultural lifestyle of peacemaking, shaped by God’s kingdom values.
The chapter on face was a game changer for me. Specifically, while saving, giving, and losing face were familiar concepts, I did not see how much “face” was hindering the restoration that I hoped to have with a sister, until Changing Normal hammered home twokeypoints.
First, face lies at the root of (un)willingness to initiate risky but necessary conversations. Heart-level reconciliation cannot occur because the risk of losing face (for everyone involved in the conflict) feels so threatening.
Second, only God can restore our “true face.” As described by Dr. Kinser, receiving“our God-given face can embolden us to acknowledge our nakedness to others and help others acknowledge their nakedness as well. By the empowering of the Holy Spirit, we can recognize, repent of, and set aside our reliance on the validation and acceptance of others as our primary source of identity and value and receive our true face from God instead(p.111).”
In this and other sections on power, abuse, advocacy, and conflict approaches, Dr. Kinser grounds theology in relatable experiences, bringing each point home from our heads to our hearts through the vulnerable sharing of 31 Chinese brothers and sisters.
But what about the hands—the real action and change that Christ within us yearns day and night to see?
To this end, Dr. Kinser gives vital guidance on “confession-apology,” which made me see why my culturally shaped attempts to apologize (a lackluster “sorry” with gaze averted) almost never accomplish heart-level reconciliation. Giving an authentic apology feels unnatural because it is not.
Chinese people grow up viewing apologies not as something proactive but as an undesired, shameful result of wrongdoing. Like the interviewees who contributed to this book, I did not grow up watching my parents apologize to each other. When my husband and I learned to “ask for forgiveness” in premarital counseling, the words felt foreign and forced.
My favorite part of this chapter is about the quality of apology. Even among Christians, there is a difference between apologizing to prove (still bitter, thinking: why am I the only one apologizing?) and apologizing to restore.
The latter becomes possible when our “rooted identity in God’s love provides the security we need to be courageous in our fragile human relationships—to apologize, forgive, proactively communicate, and even face rejection (p.187).”
In this time of intense dialogue on intergenerational and intercultural unity in the Chinese church, Changing Normal offers the needed momentum and practical steps forward for all of us. Specifically, it ushers in a fresh wave of peacemakers who will not settle for broken relationships and the status quo, but will practice stepping into uncomfortable but hopeful conversations required to live out our Lord’s prayer: “Your kingdom come.”
Last but not least, each chapter concludes with an extended prayer that examines our hearts and calls us to remain in Christ, first. This integrative posture is consistent throughout the book, with every action step prescribed in the context of our identities: being imago Dei and beloved children in Christ.
Changing Normal is a book that I have revisited often. Re-reading the chapters is like confiding in a friend committed to help me persevere in the same direction for the sake of love.
As I exercise my peacemaking muscles, God has even opened doors for me to share what I am learning and help family, co-laborers, and congregations pursue heart-level reconciliation. Will you, too, join this movement of Biblical peacemaking in the Chinese church, of healing and unity in your family and community, for the glory of our God?
Image credit: zhang yazhou via Unsplash
P. F. Yan
P. F. Yan (pseudonym) is passionate about gospel renewal and global bridge building. Born in Hong Kong and based in North America, Yan journeys alongside refugees and international students on their road home to Jesus. View Full Bio
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