Stepping out of the Country
From a young age, I have always been full of curiosity about the world, yet also full of confusion. I have read many books and traveled to many places, never ceasing in my quest for exploration. Yet, I could not find the meaning of life in the world, and I found it hard to comprehend the complexities of human nature.
In 2013, I graduated from university and was fortunate to receive a full scholarship for a PhD program in pharmaceutical sciences in the United States. I stepped out of my country and entered a larger world, continuing my journey of exploration.
At the university in the US, there was a Christian international student organization that hosted foreign students. They often provided free lunches and took us on trips. I enjoyed the welcoming atmosphere, so I regularly participated in their activities. Although I found it hard to accept religion at the time, I admired their commitment to their faith, devoting so much time and energy to it. So, I continued attending their events, trying to understand their beliefs, and made many Christian friends.
In the fourth year of my PhD program, I interned at the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in Maryland. That fall, I was struck by the devastating news that my close friend from high school had committed suicide due to depression. Coupled with the struggles I was facing in my relationships at the time, I too fell into depression.
Fortunately, I was attending a fellowship at a local Chinese church during that time. In those darkest days, God revealed himself to me. The support and companionship of the fellowship counselors helped me experience the real presence of God—he was the way, the truth, and the life I had been searching for over the past 20 years.
At Christmas in 2016, I was baptized in the church in Maryland, marking the beginning of a new chapter of my life.
Decision to Return to China
In 2018, I graduated with my PhD and started working at the FDA. I also obtained the coveted H-1B work visa. However, strangely enough, my dry eye condition worsened, and despite seeing many doctors, I saw no improvement. This severely impacted my work performance.
Therefore, I began to contemplate returning to China. On one hand, I heard that traditional Chinese medicine might cure my dry eye condition. On the other hand, I was tired of the long hours in front of a computer screen and wasn’t particularly passionate about my job. But most importantly, after becoming a Christian, I felt a burden in my heart—I wanted to return to China to pursue a career in education and help young people.
After months of prayer, despite the disapproval of many around me and my own anxieties, I sensed God leading me to return. After connecting with some organizations and hearing senior co-workers share their experiences of returning to China, I was deeply moved and determined to go back.
I first returned to China for a “survey” trip for one month. In September 2019, I officially resigned and left the United States. Although it was hard to part from the brothers and sisters who had been with me for three years, I needed to move forward under God’s new guidance.
International School
After returning to China, I received acupuncture treatment for my dry eyes and quickly found a church. At first, I was impressed by the passion and devotion of the Chinese brothers and sisters. However, over time, the differences brought by our diverse backgrounds became more apparent, and I felt very lonely, missing my previous church life.
After the outbreak of the pandemic in 2020, all activities shifted online. I was isolated at home for three months, worried about my future work. When the pandemic started stabilizing, I explored volunteering at various non-profit and educational organizations, including a Waldorf education kindergarten and an autism relief organization. However, I realized that my background was too specialized, and many basic tasks were hard for me to manage.
Through an introduction from a sister, I took a part-time biology teaching position at a nearby international school, where I taught international curriculum courses.
In the course of my work, I discovered that God had given me a great talent for teaching and creativity. I was able to naturally incorporate my reflections on life into biology lessons, helping students understand life sciences while imparting biblical values. I truly enjoyed this teaching process, and I ended up teaching for two years.
Falling in Love with the School
In the spring of 2022, I broke up with my boyfriend due to various practical reasons. Deep in sorrow, I decided to leave my hometown. Just as Shanghai was reopening, a well-known international school urgently needed a teacher, and they offered me a position on the day of my interview. In August, with great anticipation, I headed to Shanghai.
Within the first month, I “fell in love” with the school—a British management system, a blend of Chinese and Western cultures, a free, open, and inclusive teaching environment, broad-minded and highly capable students, and a wide variety of extracurricular activities. There were also Christians among the students and staff, which made me feel particularly at home.
The school entrusted me with five classes with over 100 students. I approached every day with great enthusiasm, carefully designing each lesson. I incorporated elements of science, social sciences, art, history, religion, and more into my biology teaching. Thanks to the diverse and engaging content, nearly every class of students expressed their love for my class, enjoying my humor and lively teaching style. The students and I had excellent interaction, and I took the opportunity to inspire them to think about life.
I also joined the drama club and regularly attended the students’ music, art, and sports activities, building closer relationships with them.
I was immersed in this atmosphere. Despite the frequent exhaustion, I felt truly happy.
Numerous Setbacks
Unfortunately, the good times didn’t last long. For reasons I couldn’t understand, the school started finding fault with me. Once, the principal used the excuse of a noisy class to lash out at me, saying I was incompetent in the work. Classroom management was indeed my weak spot, especially when dealing with mischievous boys. I felt very nervous and worried.
Thankfully, God kept reminding me to face these challenges with love and patience. I actively communicated with my students, honestly discussing our concerns. I also emphasized emotional education, hoping they would learn to respect and love one another. I tried to give each student as much encouragement and support as possible.
At Christmas, I made postcards using biological drawings from the students and wrote personalized blessings for each of them. Over the semester, the disciplinary issues in that class gradually improved, thanks to the trust we built. Even some of the more challenging students developed good relationships with me.
Endless Troubles
When the new semester started, the pressure from the school continued. Although I had spent a month preparing for an open class, which received positive feedback from both students and teachers, the school still found fault with me, claiming that I didn’t understand what biology was. I was completely confused and felt deeply wronged, not knowing what I had done to upset the school.
In the end, the school asked me to resign, stating that I did not meet the school’s teaching requirements but offering no solid evidence to support this. I was heartbroken, shedding endless tears, feeling that all my hard work had been in vain. The thought of leaving the students I loved so dearly made the pain even worse.
The Reality Behind the Scenes
The truth slowly came to light. It turned out that the previous year, a foreign teacher had failed to obtain a visa and was temporarily unable to join the school. Since our department was fully staffed with foreign teachers, they hired me as a temporary replacement. Now that the original teacher had finally obtained a visa, I had no further value to them.
The school did not have a reasonable mechanism to evaluate teachers, nor did it care about the effort teachers put into work or the relationships they built with students. They only cared about surface-level matters. The parents of the students were wealthy and influential, and the parent committee had a strong say in the school’s decisions.
After learning all of this, I was utterly disillusioned. I could not understand why I had chosen to pursue a career in education, nor could I understand why God had led me to leave everything behind in the US, given me such wonderful visions only to see them shattered one by one.
Should I continue in education? Just when I was struggling with this question, I received emails from Christian parents and students. They sincerely thanked me for my efforts over the past year. They said it was a great blessing to have met me, and that their children had gained much inspiration for life through my classes. They encouraged me to hold on to God’s calling, assuring me that he would do great things through me.
These messages deeply touched my heart, and I felt God’s real presence with me. It became clearer that my mission had not changed.
I began looking for a new teaching position, but the job search was filled with twists and turns. I discovered that many international schools were offering lower salaries to teachers. In the end, I accepted a position at a new school that operated with a more bureaucratic approach. The reason why I made this choice was that their salary and workload were more reasonable compared to the school I had been at. Despite a great sense of disappointment, I still felt God’s peace.
As of today, I have been working at the new school for over a year. While it lacks the passion and excitement I once had, overall it has been relatively stable, without any major ups and downs.
The Great Contrast
Leaving that previous school, I went through a process of breaking and rebuilding within. I knew that God had given me a mission, and I hoped to bear witness through my life, using my gifts to glorify him in teaching. However, when the school treated me unjustly, when students spoke harsh words, and when parents were indifferent, I felt hurt and unworthy, and I no longer wanted to give my love.
While I was at the school, I was close with the students, but once I left, our relationships grew distant. It was then that I realized the vast difference in our investment in the relationship—after I left, their lives carried on as usual, but I had lost the people I felt deeply connected to, and it caused me great pain.
I began to reflect: If I truly have the heart to serve God through education, do I need to undergo a fundamental change?
At that school, I had found satisfaction in the students’ recognition and affection, and in idolizing that kind of aristocratic education. However, through a series of disappointments, my unrealistic fantasies were shattered. It was only through this stark contrast that I realized how fragile and powerless I truly was!
I learned from this experience that if we want to bear witness, it is not by relying on our talents and charm, but by fully depending on God. The path I must walk is still long, but I thank God for leading me onto the road where I am truly getting to know him.
A Step Up or Down?
In the blink of an eye, it has been almost five years since I returned to China. From the world’s perspective, I have made little progress or achievement in my career, I remain single, and I have shifted to a new field that seems like a “downgrade”—doing a job I love, yet one that is also very challenging.
However, without this experience, I would never have discovered that I am suited to be a teacher: My knowledge, personality, and thinking skills enable me to become a good teacher who can inspire children and serve as a vessel for spreading the Christian faith. I would never have imagined that so many young lives would trust me and share their lives with me.
Although I often complain, asking why God has led me down this “downhill path,” why I often feel lonely and struggle, always wanting to escape back abroad, and why seeking a Christ-centered marriage seems so difficult. Yet, whenever I reflect on the countless blessings God has given me in each trial, I cannot regret my decisions. I am left only with endless gratitude!
Thank you, Lord, for bringing me back to the land where I was born and raised and allowing me to connect with children who share my cultural background. Thank you for helping me realize the brokenness and misery of humanity without you, and teaching me to no longer rely on the satisfaction the world gives, but truly understand what faith means in this life and to rely more deeply on the eternal hope that never changes.
*The author 竹杖芒鞋 (pseudonym) is a returnee currently engaged in education work in China.
Editor’s note: This article, originally written in Chinese and published on Behold on September 7, 2024, was translated and edited by the ChinaSource team with permission.
Image credit: Declan Sun via Unsplash
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