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Domestic Abuse is Coming Your Way

Are You Ready?


My first glimpse into the world of domestic abuse China-side came in 2005.

“My parents won’t become Christians because my sister’s husband beats her,” a friend said, “and he’s a Christian.”

Then she sighed and shrugged. “But all men in that region of China just do it that way. They don’t know how else to resolve conflict.”

Gross generalizations aside, this comment alerted me to the issue, and I soon learned that her comment wasn’t totally unwarranted. Over time, others confirmed that the local culture around her brother-in-law’s home is quietly known for an unusual prevalence of domestic violence.[1] This, when the State estimates that already 1 in 4 women nationwide are victims of physical abuse.

New Laws May Open Quiet Mouths

This past March China pushed a long-taboo topic to the surface when the nation enacted its new domestic violence law, stating that something once seen as “family business” is now the business of society.

The pressing question for those of us who are friends, English teachers, business partners, and family in Christ is this: How will we respond to women who share with us? With the new national openness, more women will likely be emboldened to tell their stories to trusted friends.

In my experience this problem is disturbingly present in the churches of China, just as it is in the churches of our home countries.

It’s also a problem that, in 2011, I found myself right in the middle of, struggling to understand my role as a sister in Christ.

I have to start this post by telling you that I believe in the power of Christ for bringing about incredible, almost unimaginable healing to marriages. At this point in time I have walked with friends who, through careful counsel and at times intentional separations, have overcome addictions, abuse, and mental illness to this day walk in wholeness. It happens.

The process is messy, painful, and at times seems impossible, but when health and reconciliation slowly bloom there is beauty.

But there is one experience that still haunts me. Could we have done more, I wonder. What if my husband and I had had the tools then that we have now?

First, Many Cups of Tea

Some of us are blessed to live near wise professionals who can address issues of abuse. Others, like myself at the time of this event, live in small rural areas with few resources.

Even for those with a counselor at hand, however, the question still remains: What is my role?

I met Ling one Sunday morning as I squeezed onto a low wooden bench at church. Our friendship bloomed in the shade of the small teashop she and her husband owned just down the street, a place I enjoyed stopping for a rest during busy weeks.

Like me, Ling was an outsider. She moved here from the far southeast. Locals still struggled to understand her accent and she often felt lost in the culture.

Most days she manned the shop alone, and when her husband, Han, did show up it was all smiles and loud greetings. Sometimes, the smiles seemed a little too big.

In spite of the shop’s pleasant surroundings, Ling never seemed to really relax. Constantly alert, she sat towards the edge of her chair, body held taut, eyes watchful.

“My husband gambles,” she finally told me one day. “A lot. All of the time. I’ve started hiding bits of money because I’m never sure if he is going to spend it all.”

Since moving west Han had exchanged church for gambling. He regularly brought his gambling friends to house, including a beautiful young woman he seemed unusually familiar with.

Occasionally Ling would wait up through the night for Han, falling asleep near daybreak, only to open the teashop alone the next morning.

A Beautiful Reality, Twisted

Not long after Ling shared this with me, Han hit her for the first time. She told no one.

The beatings escalated quickly.

One evening when Ling confronted Han about his gambling and extended absences he bruised and bloodied her to the point that she ended up in the hospital, all as their three-year-old son looked on.

This time, she wasn’t silent. She told me everything.

“Ling,” I said, “you need to get out of there. We need to find a safe place for you to stay until some of the brothers can help your husband.”

Ling just shook her head. “You know he’s in the military. You know he knows everyone important in this town. If I leave and he loses face he’ll find me, and then he’ll really hurt me. Besides, if I would just speak with more respect, this wouldn’t happen.”

And there it was. A beautiful reality of scripture twisted into a thing of bondage.

In an interview with Christian lawyer Cheng Pangzhi, posted Chinese Church Voices, he explains that many pastors urge victims of violence to respond with love and patience, but beyond this are ill-equipped to guide victims wisely.

I was ill equipped. At this point in life, I was familiar with addiction, but not physical abuse. (Which probably just shows my relative inexperience up to that point, as addiction and abuse often go hand in hand.)

Whose Fault Is It?

A counselor friend once commented that spouses can never be blamed for an addiction for two reasons:

  1. The addiction, or some form of it, was almost always present before the marriage, therefore it is an indication of deeper heart issues separate from the failings of the spouse, and
  2. When we stand before God he will ask us what we did with the life he gave us. Adam wasn’t off the hook because Eve offered the apple to him. He made a choice.

From the little I knew at that time, I did feel certain that while Ling could have handled some of those situations better, her poor choice of words and attitude were no excuse for these repeated beatings.

Unfortunately in sharing the issue with some other brothers and sisters in the area they were quick to chastise Ling for her sharp words and offered no solution for physical protection.

Escalation

Soon Han beat Ling even more severely, this time with a hair dryer. The nurses at the local hospital took pictures of the horrible wounds and bruising, urging Ling to report the incident to the police.

Finally, more out of fear for her son’s safety that anything, Ling went to the local PSB office the day after she got out of the hospital—which, she learned, was one day too late. Up until the recent law change, domestic violence reports had to be filed within 24 hours of the incident.

“Next time you need to call us when it’s happening,” a rather unsympathetic officer told her.

Then one night, things came to a head. Ling had started to notice changes in her three-year-old son: increasingly angry and defiant he had also begun to rage, hitting his and others. On this night, Ling saw Han violently shove the boy off the bed onto the cement floor. She knew that her son’s emotional and physical safety now depended on her decision to stay or leave.

Throughout this time, my husband and few other brothers had tried repeatedly to build bridges with Han to no avail.

We recognized the real possibility in Ling’s fear that her husband would hunt her down in this small town and finally we agreed help her leave and live with a Christian sister in another province.

Can Abusers Change?

I wish I could tell you that Han repented, got counseling, and the story ended with them all together.

Ling came back once, based on Han’s profession of repentance, but after she returned he refused to be part of any kind of counseling or church life, and the beatings resumed.

Now she lives far away in another city where she raises her son and takes part in the local community of believers. I suspect at times that she still blames her own mistakes for the beatings, but her concern over her son’s safety ultimately pushed her to leave.

Could my husband and I have done things differently? Probably. Would Han have changed? Short of a miracle, I’m not sure.

And yet, Han is one man and not representative of all. From what I know of my other friend’s brother-in-law, I suspect he would have been open to growth. I’ve heard from counselors who tell stories of couples who, with some really hard work and a team of people walking alongside them, do change.

There are various streams of thought regarding counseling in the world of domestic violence. What I would like to suggest, though, is that even when we ourselves are not counselors there is a role brothers and sisters in Christ have to play in these painful stories.

Really, it is so much easier to ignore warning signs. I think we usually do it because we feel helpless.

Steps to Take

I find the recommendations of Dr. Heath Lambert (professor of Biblical Counseling) very helpful. I urge you to, for a moment set aside the debate over egalitarianism vs. complementarianism and look towards the very practical insights Lambert offers to those in the church seeking to help victims of abuse.

I’ll list the steps he recommends here, but space prevents a full explanation. Please take the time to read this article by Lambert, and consider how you will respond when (not if) a sister shares her story of domestic violence with you.

Steps of Response to Domestic Violence, Heath Lambert

Please read full article to better understand these steps.

1. Listen.

Many victims have been brushed off before. Lambert says: “She has endured a terrifying betrayal of trust and—in all likelihood—will find it difficult to share her experience.”

2. Consider whether and how to involve law enforcement

Romans 13 teaches that “civil authorities are a God-ordained instrument to protect the weak”. With China’s new laws, women should experience even more protection than in years past.

3. If at all possible, restore the couple to each other in a wise way.

Again, sometimes this is possible, sometimes not. I recommend you read Lambert’s introductory suggestions on this complex topic.

4. Involve the couple in intensive counseling.

Lambert points out that although he believes the Bible is “rich in wisdom” concerning even this issue, he does not believe all or even most pastors are equipped to understand how to apply these principles. Too often, in my experience, well-meaning ministers fall into scripture-quoting that lacks wise application on this particular subject. Lambert urges people to learn from those who do understand this topic and when necessary to refer the couple to someone else. Don’t try to be a hero.

Again, on this topic Lambert goes into greater detail in his article.  

Avoiding Extremes

For some reason it seems that we as Christians have this tendency towards extremes…either we want to end the marriage at the first sign of abuse, or we demand holding out at all costs, a push that sometimes results in desperate acts of suicide or even death.

It seems to me that what Lambert is suggesting is a much more nuanced approach that looks at each individual situation as unique, fighting for the marriage but still protecting the spouse and children.

Ling wasn’t the first or last incidence of domestic violence in the church that I encountered. Chances are, someone close to you is suffering in silence. When she shares her story, will you be ready?

Resources to get you started:

Notes

  1. ^ Domestic violence is notoriously hard to track, as most women do not file reports. This observation is based on conversations with various individuals connected to the particular region.
Image credit: Vacation2012-0257-4489 by Benjamin Chodroff 
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Amy B.

Amy B. holds a dual degree in English and Biblical Studies. She has worked in various capacities among the Chinese for nearly 15 years. Currently, she works with international students (mostly Chinese) in the United States but looks forward to returning to China in the future. View Full Bio


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